Archive for shame

secrets

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 21, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

The Breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep. – Rumi

I recently quit smoking and am proud for doing so. However pride will not help an addict in recovery.  This will mark my third attempt at quitting.  It was constantly on my mind the idea of quitting, but I would procrastinate and take another puff. Its that first puff you know. The one in the morning that you know you are addicted.  Sitting with a group of friends and they are all smoking, I am okay and not necessarily needing a cigarette.  Its when I am alone and I have to act independently that I know I am hooked. The same with drinking. The same with any other substance.  I got started socially, smoking and drinking. I could have done with out it because it wasn’t the substance I craved but the companionship. The absolute sense of  feeling all alone with my pain. To share with others the burden of shame, trauma, torment whatever it is that you hide away inside is what I sought.

I followed the tragic path into the shadow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 16, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Considering a human life today.  One that had a traumatic start abandoned by parents to live far from family.  A deep inward pain that caused crying for days upon end.  Settled into a life as a child in the country. When meeting this adult there was something  unsettling and disturbing about them. Searching and reaching for the stars. There has to be more to life than this.  Loved by family but letting so few in. The deep horrible stain left by a predator, the scarlet letter of shame . All can identify with this character who died so young so tragically.  Finally coming to terms and finding an inner peace after years of feeling so alone.  Death came so quickly after delivery from torment.  To be loved by so many and yet not to feel that love, only shadows. To dance, to dream, to feel, and finally find peace.

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