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dream of losing self

Posted in Uncategorized on September 6, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

dream awakens me at 1:30 am  and I am terrorized. A man I know comes into my home unannounced he overtakes me and has me cornered in a lock and defeat is pressing on top of me. Fighting for my life , I  break free  from him and as I come to my feet beside him in a split second I grab a heavy metal object and bludgeon him to death; leaving nothing but a mashed pulp of a head for his shoulders.

As I lie in a pool of sweat , breathing heavy, heart racing, I have no idea what that dream is about.  I pray for God’s sweet peace and I fall asleep again.

5:30 am, I am awakened and God’s answer to the dream is  in my thoughts.  Self has been vanquished.  For the first time that dream ends in victory not with defeat. I am at peace within.

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3:03 AM

Posted in Uncategorized on September 3, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

I awaken. The fan overhead sweeps air across my sore body from the work out I put it through.  I light two candles and run the water as hot as I can stand it into the bath.  I ease into the tub and let the hot water soak out the soreness as I lay back. Sleep won’t come without it.  I let out some of the water and sit in the tub as the air cools the top half of my body . I get out and pat myself dry and back to my studio.  Paint smells.  I turn on the light, ” I ‘ve got to finish that painting,” I say to myself.  The emotion is neatly packed away in a hermetically sealed jar. As I open it and smell it, everything comes back, sights, sounds, smells, tastes,  and feeling.  How is it that I can still stay so tied to my core?  All that emotion flows into the stream of paint. I don’t have to feel it anymore, it’s all transferred into the alloys and minerals, light and shadow.  Transferred but not forgotten.  The sound of the 5:00 am train is roaring past.  Rinse out brushes in the paint thinner.  Eyes getting sleepy now.  Would be nice to save the money and take a train ride. I haven’t been on  a train in years. I remember I was in my twenties and it was New Years Eve in South Holyoke Mass…drifting at 3:00 AM

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…you always hurt the ones you love…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 3, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

The dating scene.  I am a regular member and have been for over 16 years.  Oh yeah, except for that brief time I was married so long ago I barely remember what’s his name.  It’s a pity that once people who were lovers don’t speak to each other anymore.  Why is that ? We exchanged the most intimate parts of our body with another human being but we cannot talk with that person? I suppose it’s true that you always hurt those closest to you.  Perhaps the shame that you both share or the disappointment makes it too difficult to see them in any other light than an outsider.  Where is the love to change all that and make things different?  How are some folks able to do that and not others?  What makes us so different from each other and yet the same?  Just some thoughts on the subject.  I don’t have any answers in time it will all make sense. How are some couples able to bounce back from those differences and others are driven apart?  Life as a single girl has its ups and downs.  Here’s me, not at my finest hour, but hey heartbreak hotel ain’t a nice place to hang out!Image

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Into the dark

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 4, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Into the dark I go… When I am working in the studio a first step I take is selecting the tone I want to set for the overall picture. How I select the color of paper or the color of the background I want to work into depends on my cerebral choice. If  I am going to work into the dark, I will select a darker paper and use white conte’ or color pastels to work the figure into the ground.  If I want my image to pop I will present a wash into the background and use black and white conte’ crayon to emphasize the image and make it stand out against the background.  Selecting gray paper and working into the gray I move and the hand and eye work together to express.  Inside is a terrified person desperately trying to cover the nakedness I feel.  The vulnerability that I covered , the shame of life now feeling regret where once I was proud, I laughed , I sang, I was moved by the moment. Casting all cares aside I stay in the moment, focusing only upon what I see.

Today I am feeling melancholy. So much of life is do-it-yourself.  The only problem with that is it can wear on you after a while.  Always trying to lift others up when they are falling.  Spending a great deal of time working hard to make progress and move forward, there is always people who are more scared than you that come into your life. They do not want to admit they are terrified.  They use a phony sense of bravado to get through each day.  They are willing to risk all to save face.  I understand this person because I used to be like them.  Drowning in alcohol, cigarettes and mood-enhancing substances, sex, relationships to get through each moment. Not thinking about the cost to myself or others. There has never been any real joy associated with addictive substances.

I realize now that I did not do it all myself.  There are people that have come into my life to teach me something in the great earth school. First in teaching me how to love them, second in teaching me  something about myself.  I have not always been successful learning how to love.  Love came as a result of trying to just understand them, spending time contemplating a way to communicate with them rather than ignore them.  I was taught  The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  When I felt stomped on and kicked around as a result of my own choices I overreacted and decided to do something about it.  I decided to live by my own rules.  I found out I was a dictator.  I did not like the results so much.

Happiness is overrated.  Joy is what I want. Real joy.  The kind a baby feels when it recognizes a familiar face.  I have had moments of pure joy.  A great deal of my life was mirth: wine , men , and song.  Now I just look for joy.  It counters all the sadness, and awful regret I feel. To seek a sense of right living, to do no harm to live as far a possible in peace with all. Even if that idea separates and isolates me from others who would disrespect that ideology.  I do not want uniformity.  I like diversity.

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secrets

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 21, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

“The Breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep.” – Rumi

I recently quit smoking and am proud for doing so. However pride will not help an addict in recovery.  This will mark my third attempt at quitting.  It was constantly on my mind the idea of quitting, but I would procrastinate and take another puff. Its that first puff you know. The one in the morning that you know you are addicted.  Sitting with a group of friends and they are all smoking, I am okay and not necessarily needing a cigarette.  Its when I am alone and I have to act independently that I know I am hooked. The same with drinking. The same with any other substance.  I got started socially, smoking and drinking. I could have done with out it because it wasn’t the substance I craved but the companionship. The absolute sense of  feeling all alone with my pain. To share with others the burden of shame, trauma, torment whatever it is that you hide away inside is what I sought.

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inside me is a Lady

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 20, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Dream  09/09/2012
I dreamed that I had come on a long journey across difficult terrain with  a very close  friend.  After a while we came to a green meadow and into a small town in the country. While visiting in this town there were some attractions. As we wandered around the town it felt as if my friend and I were  being followed. A local policeman in the town kept a sharp eye on us finally stopping to question us.  Since there seemed to be so few visitors we kept getting singled out. What were we doing there? We were laughing to ourselves cause we kept wondering why was he picking us out? There were’nt that many people so naturally not being local we attracted some attention. Not wanting any trouble  we left there ,it would be better to not hang around, even though there was no reason we should be harassed.  

We made our way across some rugged terrain. Coming to a watery plain we laughed and enjoyed the thought that we could manage the walk but the terrain got steadily more rough. We came across  a hot springs where there was a man bathing in one of the pools. The  steam rose from the heated mucky ground. We continued walking across slippery rocks of shallow pools of cool water.  I made my way across an amber  field until we came to a grand estate. It felt as if we were crashing a wedding, cars were lined up outside the estate.  I  followed my traveling companion through an opened second story door.  He says: ” I got you in the door. You will have to get in the rest of the way. Your on your own now.” He  left me there, dangling out of the door struggling to find something to pull on but I was going to fall. I had to get in quickly before I would be seen.
Below was a group of men , including security who were milling around and I was in trouble I had to get up on the ledge and get in to safety before those men saw me and reported me. I had to look like I belonged there.
I was crying to myself softly and struggling, then I realized that if I just relax and lay flat  I could manage to pull myself on to the floor and  in off the ledge. I then closed the door quietly entering the room and pulled myself together. There were  ladies milling around struggling to get into dressing gowns.  No one seemed to notice how I got in or that I was there.  An older gentleman recognized that I was not part of the wedding party and came to my aid, brought me a cup of tea to calm me down. Walked me around to a well-lit area.  Chandeliers sparkled across the shiny marble floors. Candles and glasses tinkling where there was preparation taking place for the wedding.  I recognized an old rival of mine came into the room  dressed for her party.  She looked beautiful and I told her so. My elderly gentleman escort was walking me past a room where the door was open and I saw my traveling companion with another male friend in a spa like room relaxing. I felt safe and protected there. I calmed down, I was now a different woman, a gentile and composed Lady.

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pack of lies

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 17, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Lies, lies and more lies.  Pretty soon a person can get sick of lies no matter what the form.  I quit smoking.  This will be my third time in the last 7 years. Third time is a charm they say.  First time was for my health. Ha!  Second time was vanity.  Third time is, well simply put, I am sick of the lies. The lies that come with each fresh pack.  The way I hold it , the sexual manner and personal relationship I have with it.  From the tapping to the lighting of it to the first puff. I cannot wait in between purchases.  The sharing of it with an exclusive club of others huddled around outside the door of a non-smoking joint. Smoking is no joke except on ourselves. Yes, the joke is on us. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile derived from any time spent with cigarettes.  I was a fool to cling to it as long as I have.  The money I have spent, I could have done so many beautiful things with it. That represents 25,000 US dollars.  What could you do with that amount.  That is 12 years of smokings net worth.  Thats not even counting the cigars,  hookah smoke and all the other paraphernalia I purchased for the purpose of smoking; Lighters, cutters, etc. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your spoiled damaged receptors in your body that cry constantly for their momentary fix.  The lies I tell myself that I am glamorous , attractive, sexy.  Yes I am all of those things but without the  smoke and mirrors.  Addiction experts say the third day is the hardest due to the toxins being released from our body. It can take up to 21 days to just break the actual habit of holding the cigarette. For all practical purposes the nicotine leaves your system by seven days. Today I die.  Not really die but it feels like I will without my cigs.  My constant companion of the last twelve years.  What did I do before then?  I somehow managed to get by.  I had other addictions I am certain.  Each more deadly than the other.  Sooner or later we must face the pain that keeps us chasing after some relief.  Is it really all that bad facing your pain?  Is it really all that bad to eat healthy, exercise and take better care of yourself?  Is this the way we show ourselves love?  Is this loving ourselves?  Or is it simply being responsible.  The responsible, sensible, and frugal alternative.  I don’t know , right now I don’t care. I will have to get back with you on that one.

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I followed the tragic path into the shadow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 16, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Considering a human life today.  One that had a traumatic start abandoned by parents to live far from family.  A deep inward pain that caused crying for days upon end.  Settled into a life as a child in the country. When meeting this adult there was something  unsettling and disturbing about them. Searching and reaching for the stars. There has to be more to life than this.  Loved by family but letting so few in. The deep horrible stain left by a predator, the scarlet letter of shame . All can identify with this character who died so young so tragically.  Finally coming to terms and finding an inner peace after years of feeling so alone.  Death came so quickly after delivery from torment.  To be loved by so many and yet not to feel that love, only shadows. To dance, to dream, to feel, and finally find peace.

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Are we just waiting to die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Of the many paths that we can choose a couple being living in the present moment or living our lives on a word, acting on words we find powerful. Thinking of one path this morning, choosing to live in the moment on a word, love.  That one has always mystified me. Music does that to me. Opens pathways for me to express. My story is one of discovery.  An artist friend Doug told me this morning: ” that art chooses the person…” I am on a journey wanting to fuse my shadow personality into one multidimensional human. I am glad that I can connect with people who understand the pathos and power associated with the artist soul.
I have poured a great deal of energy into my love of learning. I just want to express that love in a very tangible way. I am still making the connection, but in time I know I will see the pattern and it will be easy for me after that.

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divine diva of beginnings and endings

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 10, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

I am a stranger here. Passing through trying to make some sense of a life lived. An observer of a life.  I am going to tell the story of a woman who became a young girl, who became a woman again.  She went through the pains of birth several times, she was alive and then she died, she was raised from the dead ashes of a woman’s body several times. She destroyed herself, and then rebuilt. She is a mogul magnate.  Reincarnator divine diva of beginnings and endings.  She goes by several aliases.  I didn’t set out to tell her story. I wanted to write a blog about my works in sculpture.  I became fascinated with her when I was introduced to her. Shortly thereafter I started this blog and that is when  I really came to know her. She could be a creation of mine, a living sculpture.  Why do I want to talk about her?  That remains to be seen. The furthest thing from my mind at the time.  She didn’t seem like a particularly interesting person until I got to know her.  Quiet , reserved and then suddenly zany.  That type of person always fascinates me.  Perhaps she felt comfortable sharing with me and so she opened up. She felt safe.  When I began asking her questions she typically would answer a question with another question. Was that her way of dodging me?  It seems the closer I would come to knowing her the more she would shape-shift and I would become blind-sighted.  Her chamelion-like charm kept my interest. I had to know this woman.  What was she really all about?

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